What My Words Told Me

At the peak of my so called good times, when I am bursting with happiness, all I do is live the moment and emote best, with a big wide smile. And when my heart is sinking the most, the writer in me suddenly emerges out. Strange theory isn’t it? Maybe words have that magic of not letting you feel alone, of telling you constantly as to how they are a mirror. A mirror, to your true self.

Human emotions have always intrigued me to great levels. What we do, when we do it, why did that/a particular thing happen sometimes has no reason, logic or explanation to it. Despite being a cheerful person, I would surprise my own self as my anger would plan to ambush my patience every now and then.   Or my naturally impulsive instincts would simply take a back seat at the most unexpected moments.

On my 10^th birthday my Dad gifted me a Secret Diary. It had a little heart shaped lock on it, which managed to completely thrill me, as it was my first encounter with concealed emotions. I began writing what I truly felt, ever since. At times, I spoke to my Diary in the most contented spirit and sometimes in a servile tone.

Reading it now feels like doing a crash course on myself. The conflict of two minds within yourself, what is right and what is wrong, what is acceptable and what is not (to you/ your loved one/ society), from what makes you happy to what angers you, from what can hurt you to what it takes to win your heart. There is so much depth in each of us and yet we are busy figuring out everyone and everything else. So much drama! I learnt about things I had forgotten and decided to forget about things that I held onto, pointlessly. That is when I realized that how; sometimes writing almost becomes a shield. Luckily for me I grew up to be an outspoken person yet a part, like everyone, was reserved just for me and my hidden words.  

Always been too scared to make mistakes and obsessed with doing the right thing. It is like an addiction, to be perfect. And if I stumbled, forgiving myself was the hardest thing to do.

Now, my own words made me realize that there would always be a difference between whom you are and who you wish to be. With the passing years and a handful of mistakes I realized that it is not all that bad to falter at times. Because when I decide to question myself as to WHO is it that I really wish to be, I would not have to speculate. I WOULD KNOW IT.

The Red Light

Once upon a time…

What a perfect start to each story. But this story would begin a little differently.

At this moment, she believed a new journey was about to begin. Windows, have always been a source of fascination to her. Just the concept of a window, has always intrigued her since she was a young girl. When she moved away from her folks to a house of her own, she picked the room she lived in now, not because of its size or storage or luxury or comfort or color but because of that one window she saw and fell in love with. After a long day of chirpiness and randomness which comes to her quite naturally, she would wait to spend some time with that window in her room. Nobody knew that she spoke to herself sitting beside it; nobody knew that she spoke to her window about everything while she gazed out it.

It was her best friend.

It showed her the world in broad day light. A world filled with clarity, crowded with everything which seemed right, a world painted in white. And then it would introduce her to the night stars which were far from where she was. A world filled with so much darkness, yet in that grave black sky, the window showed her the distanced lights, giving her hope. She lived in a life of either light or darkness and slowly began to realize that both wanted to own her. There was nothing in between, there was no mid way, is what she believed. And she knew she couldn’t live without this stability. She would tell herself that she would never let go.

After years of living a life wrapped in perfection one night, while gazing at the shiniest star, she couldn't help but notice a twinkling red light on the terrace of a distant building. She began to notice this red light each night from there on. While she continued talking to herself with her head rested on her best friend her eyes would constantly drift towards this light. It intrigued her so much that, she slowly began to stare at it for hours and eventually began to talk to this light, revealing every bit of herself. With each passing night the time they spent together kept increasing. Everything else would become dull when she spoke to this red light. It brought in a rush of a strange joy and she dint understand what it was. She tried looking for it during the day but would always fail and so waited for it to come to her each night.

And then came that one moment when she lost count of the passing hours. As she poured her heart out the night traveled. The red light began to fade and she saw that transition for the first time. She looked up, the sky was breaking into dawn, and there it was, neither white nor black. IT WAS GREY.

Her red light took her where she had never stepped before. She did every possible thing to fight it. She shut her eyes walked away from the window. She tried looking for her light but it was gone. Maybe now, forever.With time things began to hit her and she now knew that life as she knew it, would never be the same. The window in her room reminded her of old memories but she took a deep breath and looked at it hoping it would wait for her to return. She mustered all the courage in her to spread her wings and leaped out the window, in search of light but this time, within her own self.

At this moment, her journey has already begun.